Do you ever find yourself doing something so STUPID that if you were a contestant on some reality TV show you KNOW people would be yelling, “Just put DOWN the NACHOS!” at you. 

Well that ^^ that’s me. 

Every time I decide that I am going to make some shift in my regular diet, I wind up with my butt firmly planted on the sofa with a tray of nachos, still hot out of the oven, over my lap while a reality TV show streams from the Netflix. 

The REAL kicker – this reality TV show usually involves healthy active living. 

Whether it is the newest season of some workout competition where contestants are training to be the fittest and the fastest, or it is a show about weight loss (currently it is a show called Bringing Sexy Back). I am HOOKED to watching people take control of their lives, to grow in strength and confidence, to conquer things they previously thought impossible. 

And I watch, glued to the program, enthralled in the transformation, the persistence and the dedication. I watch, as hand full after handful of nachos are shoved down my gullet. 

I stay transfixed to the storyline as I mindlessly consume empty calories, destroying my goals, obliterating my successes, subconsciously undermining my resolve … all the while, never savouring the treat. 

It’s a cheat. 

I am cheating on my resolve, I am by-passing the rules I set for my own success, and I’m not even ENJOYING it. 

The irony is not lost on me. 

I am breaking every guideline of success as I binge on watching others do the very thing I want to do. As I watch them take control of this part of their life. 

And, literally, this was me … yesterday, AND today. 

I can’t even tell you why I opted to dive in again today. 

I literally woke up this morning with the worst dehydration headache I have had in a LONG time, like way back to my drinking days. 

This morning I woke up, downed a large glass of water and said to my husband that I regretted eating 3/4 of a bag of the small whole wheat Tostito chips, covered in cheese, nacho cheese, salsa, sour cream and a small splattering of veggies. 

Not worth it this morning, and yet I found myself sitting with yet another tray in my lap. 

 

I reasoned that it would be unwise to waste the last 1/2 bag of chips, that it was quick and that I could probably toss on a few more veggies and convince myself that it was healthier. But, truth be told, I know that this is another decision that I will regret in the morning. 

And so I have to ask myself, WHY?

 Why on EARTH would I devour these chips, loaded with more and more regret, when I know better. When I have consciously made choices in the last ten days that build into our goals, that strengthen my body and have seen success. 

What is this STUPID part of me that is self sabotaging to the core? 

There are a million and one things that I could blame the slips, the sabotages on, but ULTIMATELY the excuses don’t fuel success, they only exist to further solidify this internal dialogue that I cannot actually do this. 

Which, while that may be true of the old me, of the me who was ok just accepting things as they were. 

This is not the NOW me, the me that knows that this is a journey to discovering what this MY body is capable of aside from bring children into this world, aside from feeding them more than I think is necessary for even a small African village. Now is a step by step process fo discovering what I am capable of if I just STOP stopping. 

So, while I know that tomorrow will come with a banger of a headache fuelled by some bad decisions, and that I will continue to struggle with the desire for a lap full of processed, cheesy, salty “comfort”, both my husband and I are willing and able to work HARD at building this new life. 

And it starts with first steps. The reminder that todays failures don’t define tomorrow’s ability to succeed, just as each victory is no indication of continued improvement. 

Every day is a new opportunity to make the right choices until the right choices are not a matter of thinking but of doing. Until we no longer crave the comfort and usual, until our bodies are thriving on fuel instead of filler, and we redefine our routines by building in healthy active choices at every step. 

And, while I am confident that we will still enjoy the reality TV, while we will cheer for others who are doing their best to make tomorrow better, stronger and healthier, we will no longer sit idly on the couch, scarfing down empty calories just because it is what we’ve always done.

I don’t know what we will do to make that time productive, to being more active during the series … but we will find something. 

There has to be something. 

And when we do, when we have successfully stopped this horrible, headache inducing habit, we will share our recipes and tips with you, so you too can enjoy the Biggest Loser type show, guilt free. 

Deal?

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