Being a mother is hard! Especially when the world tells you to work as if you have no kids and to mother as if you don’t work.
Kat is an amazing and driven WAHM (work at home momma). She has a heart for women and a way with words.
Hi, I’m Kat. If you asked me to tell you about myself only a few years ago I would’ve told you I was a lady boss in the automotive world. I would’ve told you about how “gasoline runs through my veins”, and how I would go toe to toe with anyone about selling and financing cars in the subprime automotive industry. I would’ve taken pride in calling 40 hour work weeks a “part time job” because I LIVED at my job. I was by all intense purposes a workaholic- and a proud one at that. I loved busy- running on coffee and adrenaline. So much so that I added more to my plate by getting a diploma in makeup artistry so I could pick up side jobs making money on something I considered to be a hobby. I was solely a career woman- until October 14th, 2016.
My amazing husband was built to be a daddy. Johns pride and joy has always been the children in his life- his nieces and nephews hold a special place in his heart. He smiles at the sound of children laughing, has never once been annoyed by children making noise in restaurants, and he is a total complete sucker for babies and the sweet cry they make. When it came time to discussing kids, he was all in. He knew he wanted a family of his own- I knew I liked the idea of a family of my own. I mean- I liked being part of one? So when we started seriously discussing the thought of having kids- I was game.
That pregnancy test has a funny way of bringing out every single fear you didn’t know you had. Will I be good enough? Attentive enough? Will I love BEING a mom!? I always knew I would love my baby (which I do- he is the single best thing to ever happen in my life) but would I love being a mom? And then it happened….. but what about WORK!? What will I do? How do I balance it all? Will I be a stay at home mom, or go back to work? All of a sudden my wonderings about how to be both the career woman I knew myself to be, and the kind of mother I wanted to be came colliding- and it collided HARD. I felt intense guilt that I was pregnant when I had only scratched the surface of success- and even more so, guilt that I was more concerned about that then mentally preparing for my life to change so beautifully. Instead of feeling blessed and joyful for what God had given me- I was anxious about how this precious child would effect me. Little did I know how much God would show me about my value- and who I was created to be.
If I were to be asked “if you could sum this experience up in one verse, what would it be and why?” Instantly I think of Jeremiah 29:11 “For I know the plans I have for you,” declares the LORD, “plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future.”
June 7th, 2017 at 2:02am- The lord fulfilled those plans. My precious Gray was born, and I was filled with love.
This however did not end my internal struggle- it magnified it. I instantly started that mental countdown to decision day. What do I do- who do I want to be? I struggled with both postpartum anxiety and depression. I felt like I was failing as a mother in so many ways- which only intensified my desire to go back to work. I felt safe at work, I knew what I was doing when I was at work. It came with rules, handbooks, managers and bosses that could help me course correct. As a mom, I was the boss. (Or co- boss; my husband was an instant natural- calm, cool, collected, never waivering- I didn’t know it then but he was such an incredible light in my darkness) I struggled for 5 months, wishing everyday I could go back to work.
Eventually, the darkness lifted, and I found my stride. I found joy in being a mom. I felt like super woman on the days the house was cleaned, dinner was made, I was wearing something not stretchy or baggy and Gray was happy. I was energized with a newfound confidence in my ability to hold my house down. To be what I grew up knowing- a mom that did it all and never once failed in my eyes. I now know that it wasn’t true. I’m sure there are many times my mother did- or does- feel like a failure, but she was dang good at hiding it. However- it was time to decide. Almost two years of internal struggle of how to “live my best life” was coming to a close. After Graysons first birthday I decided to go back to work. I wanted to prove to myself that motherhood didn’t change me. That I was still Kat from before. What I didn’t understand was that I was so much more than who I was back then. I had so much more purpose. I tried going back to traditional work- I ended up being offered two different jobs in the span of two months. I cried the day I was offered the position of finance manager in a car dealership- and they were not of joy. I sobbed all the way from the job interview (I was offered the position on the spot!) to my friends house where she was watching Gray. She saw my tear and mascara stained cheeks and said that it was okay if I didn’t get the job. I cried “but I DID. and I don’t want it!!!! I can’t leave him! He’s too little!!” I thought maybe it was just “too much job” and that I needed to start smaller. I got a retail job, set up daycare.. I worked one shift. I thought I was broken. I couldn’t understand WHY this was so impossible for me. It wasn’t until I really stepped back into that role that I knew I didn’t belong in that version of myself anymore. I had to create a new combination of myself that encompassed everything I valued about myself. I spent so much time looking at the black and white of things that I completely forgot the beautiful of the “grey” (see what I did there??)
So today, if you ask me who I am. I will smile and say- I am a wife, a mama to a wild toddler, an entrepreneur, a dreamer, a friend, a hard worker and a follower of Jesus. He takes me as I am, with all of my flaws and worries and inability to make a decision and he loves me through it all. I spend my days both playing on the floor with my babe, and building my business, doing it my way. I’m still trying to figure out the perfect balance, and maybe one day I will. Having my soul at peace with my decision to be both is so much more than I can explain in words- but I’ll never stop being open to talking about the struggle it took to find this peace and to trust that God knew what his plans were for me.
Oh, and I still love running off caffeine and adrenaline.